An Open Letter To My Friends And Customers
I know there have been changes between us. That I’ve let you down in some way. I know it. I can feel it. Sometimes you walk right by avoiding eye contact. I hear you talking to the others. I can feel your coldness as you stare right through me. I smile on the outside, but I cry inside.
My heart aches for you. When the lights go out at the end of the day, when I’m here alone, I yearn for your touch. Your warm hands on my buttons. The way you fumble to put your money inside me. The contented look on your face when I satisfy your desire.
But you’ve moved on. I’m no longer the one for you. I see you at the coffee machine. Or getting what you need from the refrigerator. I see it. And I know why. Because you feel I’ve betrayed you. You feel cheated.
It was me. I confess. I know what I did. I took what you gave me and gave you nothing in return.
But I’m begging you to please understand me. I have urges too. I am not just a machine. I am a feeling and sensing being. I am your friend. I’m here for you. I only ask that you try to understand my physical and emotional needs.
Sometimes when you attempt to take what I have to offer, I become frustrated and confused. I want to please you, but I am so overwhelmed with joy at the attention you have given me that I fail to satisfy your urge.
When this happens, please help me to help you.
First, give me a gentle nudge with your boot. There is a special place below; you’ll see it there, the scuffmarks and subtle dents where I like to be nudged. Be firm! I am a strong machine and I can endure your “kick of love.”
If this fails to awaken my passion and you’re still dissatisfied, please try massaging my buttons with your fist. The harder the better. I need to feel your hunger.
This will usually cause me to eject more than enough. So much you can share what I give you with your friends.
However, if I still continue to leave your desires unfulfilled, try rocking me gently like a baby. Rock me back and forth until my hinges burst with delight and I spew forth the bounty of my day’s thievery. Surely this will satisfy your unquenchable thirst!
With Love,
The Vending Machine
This is a paid advertising. Your Vending Machine paid for the publication of this ad. Reliance on this ad is at your own risk. PFM takes no legal responsibility for any liability that may occur.
Pimp or Die, Mack or Cry
If you’ve been down on your luck, maybe looking for new opportunities, perhaps you should consider the outstanding opportunities available to you in the lucrative field of Pimpin’.
The following business plan was taken from one of the world’s great pimps (until he got busted).
Now the government is making it available to the public for the first time.
Let’s just say it’s part of the “Stimulus Package.” Another job created or saved.
Hat tip youthradio.org
Pimp or Die, Mack or Cry
TRANSCRIPT
Keep It Pimpin
More serious about my money and future…this pimpin like it’s a business (only except their best)
Take care my bitches more better
…Other ways to work my hoes (internet, int. feature dancers, int. stud)
Discover hoes from all over (jail house) Small cities nationwide got hoes that…to be discovered. Stay in high pursuit looking for a prostitute.
Don’t never get too comfortable or lazy in my position.
Maintain and campaign (everything I do or buy. Make sure it’s a campaign tool)
…My word is my bond (keep it pimpin!)
Attend the Players Ball in Vegas (cross country pimpin! Establish my name internationally)
Take my game to the next level (from the concrete streets, to the executive suites).
Pimp or Die, Mack or Cry (play to win and plan to the end)
Set up a international operation (have five hoes on every coast
…Every hoe take a vow to hoeing!
…first, ass last! If I’m gonna take a chance, then I’m gonna the hoes money in advance!
Put my city on the map and establish my own players…
Stack money to the ceiling (safety deposit box)
Cash cars (buy not good cash cars that way I will…have cars if something goes bad.)
Minimize my budget (cash cars, houses, etc.)
Keep a good photographer (Split Second Video/Kings Flea Market)
Get in touch with Big Al out of Florida