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February 2019
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Bob Hope Returns From Grave To Entertain Troops

Hope teams with Jon Stewart to entertain USS Ronald Reagan

Aboard USS Reagan, At Sea (PFM): Gen. David Petraeus, commander of U.S. Central Command, emceed an entertainment spectacular this weekend aboard the USS Ronald Reagan (CVN 76).

Beloved 20th century comedian and vaudevillian Bob Hope was resurrected for the USO event that included a rare stand-up performance by Jon Stewart and a short burlesque dance routine by a scantily clad USFL cheerleading squad.

“Some of these sailors, and the soldiers in Afghanistan and Iraq, have been hearing the same things for nearly 8 years,” said Gen. Petraeus. “This show will remind them that persistence, fortitude, holding a strong and steady course, these things can keep you going even when hope seems gone. We have to keep hope alive. No pun intended.”

… Madonna’s love affair with a dildo enchanted the nation in 1992 …

More than 2,300 sailors surrounded the stage, sat atop aircraft, or watched from “vulture’s row” six floors above the carrier’s flight deck to get a glimpse of the spirit-rousing show.

Hope, who hasn’t performed live material for nearly a decade, regaled the sailors with a seemingly endless supply of Boy George jokes.

“Yeah, I didn’t know Boy George was that big of a deal,” said Lt. Keisha Hayes of Reagan’s reactor division. “But that funny old ghost just kept on and on. Like he was possessed or something. It was a sight to see.”

After about 30 minutes of side-splitting Boy George hilarity, Hope handed the stage over to Stewart with one last poke at the former Culture Club pop-star, “Yeah Jon, I hear when they built Boy George they used you for a blueprint.”
. . . Read on »

News In Briefs - Around the Nation

Cash For Cash Program Meets Goal

Washington (PFM) – Treasury officials say the U.S. government’s popular “Cash for Cash” program has quickly exceeded all expectations and may soon be unnecessary.

The program has taken in a total of $1.3 billion which will go directly to the general fund. This increase to government coffers comes at a good time, as recent weak bond auctions have alighted fears of interest rates hikes.

The plan, which exchanges fresh cash for unused consumer cash, is just part of a multi-pronged strategy to get the economy moving. The rules for participating are complex but that has not dampened interest.

So far, over $1.4 billion has been distributed to participating citizens, with fully one half of that total going to the most economically stressed regions. Consumers, now flush with fresh cash, are expected to open their wallets and spend.

In addition, over 60,000 jobs have been created to administer the plan. About one fifth of those jobs will be necessary to handle the expected influx of tax activity.

Despite the success, some have expressed concerns over the $100 million difference between disbursements and revenues. But officials point out that this variance is much lower than other government programs.

Man Killed, Woman Hospitalized in Sexting Tragedy

Houston (PFM) – Police are investigating a sexting incident in northwest Houston, in which a man was killed and a woman was rushed to the hospital.

At 9:15pm, Houston police were called to a home on Ward Rd. near Woodfield. When they arrived, they found a man clutching his cell phone, who appeared to be in cardiac arrest. The 68 year old man later died at the scene.

An unclothed woman was found leaving the home through a window. She was in a state of panic, but did not otherwise appear to be injured.

The 22 year old woman initially declined treatment, but after being informed that the man’s phone would be held as evidence, she was rushed to Memorial Hermann Hospital for treatment of anxiety. She has remained clothed since that time.

At this point, police don’t know the circumstances surrounding the incident. But pictures have been circulated seeking leads from other officers throughout Houston and surrounding communities.

House Member Unapologetic For ‘Where the Chips?’ Remark

Washington (PFM) – Democrat Cass Mastern of Tennessee is under fire for recent comments he made at a House Ways and Means Committee hearing with the Network of Hispanic Health Professionals.

Network official Rafael de la Cruz had been invited to discuss his group’s concerns regarding the current $1.5 trillion health bill being considered. Mastern interrupted de la Cruz’s presentation, “I get what your saying, but I’ve got to ask, ‘Where the chips and salsa, señor?’”

When asked later to explain his remark, the Representative said he was merely pointing out that “the group is so focused on the meat of the plan, they’ve failed to consider the appetizers.”

He went on to explain that the bill designates nearly $1 million to fight obesity and diabetes within the Hispanic community.

Mastern, who has been inundated with questions all week, lashed out at reporters as he left his office today, “I don’t appreciate the implications. These questions are insulting to me and to the Hispanic community. I love Mexicans. Nobody can deny that.”

When reminded that de la Cruz is Cuban, Rep. Mastern replied, “Well, we don’t do too good with the Cuban vote anyway.”

Reports collected from the wire by Jake M. while in his boxer briefs

Dead Guy Leaves People Talking

I was reading this article about a guy (actually James Vellanti, chief operating officer of hedge fund JNF Asset Management LLC) who fell off an escalator and died at The Pier Shops at Caesars in Atlantic City.

Sad enough, right?

But every time I read an article about tragedy, I can’t help but skip ahead to the comments section. Sometimes they’re funny. Sometimes they’re sick. But mostly they leave you scratching your head and wondering. Seriously, you heard about a tragic death and felt compelled to speak out — and this is what you wanted to tell the world?

There’s “doctorphil1″ who helpfully offers some personal safety advice:

Piers Shops 1

And always remember to look for a floor before stepping into the elevator.

Then there’s this dude, combination firefighter / germaphobe:

Piers Shops 2

But the dead guy was in a casino. You ever seen the orange-haired old lady parked in front of Squirrels Gone Nutz on her GetAbout, chain-smoking Pall-Malls and hacking phlegm onto the back of her fist? I’m sure her hands aren’t exactly surgeon-scrub clean. If he wasn’t scared of handling playing cards, slot machines or dice, he probably isn’t (or wasn’t) going to be bothered by handrails either.

“Adkboy,” has a life-saving solution.

Maybe if everyone would just opt for exercise, there would be no more escalator tragedies.

Piers Shops 3

Can’t argue with that reasoning. And if we all walked to work instead of taking the car, I suspect we could cut down on driving fatalities.

Here’s someone with a practical solution. . . . Read on »

Shooting Tops Stabbing In Preference Poll

(PFM): As anyone who has ever been held captive at knife-point will tell you, stabbing is not the way you want to go.

A recent national telephone survey found that many people fear being stabbed more than they fear being shot. The poll was funded by The National Knife and Sword Council which seeks to better the image of cutting utensils among Americans.

64% of those surveyed cited death by terrorist attack as their favorite form of death.

Only 13% of American adults believe that being shot would be more horrendous than being stabbed. Many of those attribute their feelings to the assumption that they are more likely to die from bullet wounds than stab wounds – thus avoiding the excruciating pain from their wounds.

Nearly all of the respondents, even those that preferred it, were aghast at the prospect of feeling the steely cold metal of a sharp blade penetrating their tissues and organs.

When it comes to homicide, stabbing always comes out at the bottom of the list. A strike to the head with a hammer, strangling, being run over, even being thrown from a building or airplane were not enough to coax people to favor stabbing.

Only being held under water until the point of death seemed likely to overtake stabbing on the list of fears. About 24% of those asked ranked being drowned higher than being shot.
. . . Read on »

Grocery Store Averts Famine By Stocking More Food

Centerville (PFM): A famine may have been narrowly avoided by a weekend delivery of fresh fruits, condiments and cereal products to Sully’s Pantry, a local supermarket.

A source with intimate knowledge of store operations, who has requested anonymity, stated that an overnight blitz of store activity has greatly reduced the imminence of a widespread famine for at least a week.

Fear within the community has been pervasive after a rumor circulated claiming that Sully’s bread aisle was nearly empty. “The only white bread left was a smashed package of Mrs. Baird’s,” shopper CeeCee Aames reported.

Although specialty whole grain loaves and assorted rolls, buns and raisin bread were found in abundance, the scarcity of nature’s most necessary foodstuff, white bread, sent shockwaves through the community.

Aames further reported that the only Tater Tots to be found were “those nasty store brand ones that taste like greasy poop. And forget about the cottage cheese; it was that non-fat health food junk.”

Sully’s has taken steps that will reduce the likelihood of short-term food shortages. Check out lines have been slowed to a snail’s pace in an effort to discourage hording, while the deli continues to stock product long after its natural expiration date in order to ensure the cases remain full.

. . . Read on »

Old Timer Harassed By Hoodlums

Tells Traumatic Tale Of Teen Tormenters

Centerville (PFM): Old man Sykes, the cranky old fuck that lives down the street from Franklin High School, recounted a disquieting tale of torment at the hands of teenage ruffians on Wednesday.

According to Sykes, an 84 year old retiree and veteran of WWII, these hooligans are a menace worse than any Kraut bastard he ever faced down in battle.

As Sykes tells it, teenage trespassers have repeatedly used his lawn as a horse trail and pervert hangout.

Sykes confronted the gang of hoodlums Wednesday afternoon at about 4:45 pm, telling them in no uncertain terms, “You punks get off my lawn!”

But the teens were not to be deterred. Sykes recounts that his demand was met with jeers and obscene gestures. One troublemaking teen even grabbed his crotch like some kind of French hooker in heat. . . . Read on »

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