Please help feed hungry PFM staffers:

 

May 2012
S M T W T F S
« Jun    
 12345
6789101112
13141516171819
20212223242526
2728293031  

Bob Hope Returns From Grave To Entertain Troops

Hope teams with Jon Stewart to entertain USS Ronald Reagan

Aboard USS Reagan, At Sea (PFM): Gen. David Petraeus, commander of U.S. Central Command, emceed an entertainment spectacular this weekend aboard the USS Ronald Reagan (CVN 76).

Beloved 20th century comedian and vaudevillian Bob Hope was resurrected for the USO event that included a rare stand-up performance by Jon Stewart and a short burlesque dance routine by a scantily clad USFL cheerleading squad.

“Some of these sailors, and the soldiers in Afghanistan and Iraq, have been hearing the same things for nearly 8 years,” said Gen. Petraeus. “This show will remind them that persistence, fortitude, holding a strong and steady course, these things can keep you going even when hope seems gone. We have to keep hope alive. No pun intended.”

… Madonna’s love affair with a dildo enchanted the nation in 1992 …

More than 2,300 sailors surrounded the stage, sat atop aircraft, or watched from “vulture’s row” six floors above the carrier’s flight deck to get a glimpse of the spirit-rousing show.

Hope, who hasn’t performed live material for nearly a decade, regaled the sailors with a seemingly endless supply of Boy George jokes.

“Yeah, I didn’t know Boy George was that big of a deal,” said Lt. Keisha Hayes of Reagan’s reactor division. “But that funny old ghost just kept on and on. Like he was possessed or something. It was a sight to see.”

After about 30 minutes of side-splitting Boy George hilarity, Hope handed the stage over to Stewart with one last poke at the former Culture Club pop-star, “Yeah Jon, I hear when they built Boy George they used you for a blueprint.”
. . . Read on »

News In Briefs - Around the Nation

Cash For Cash Program Meets Goal

Washington (PFM) – Treasury officials say the U.S. government’s popular “Cash for Cash” program has quickly exceeded all expectations and may soon be unnecessary.

The program has taken in a total of $1.3 billion which will go directly to the general fund. This increase to government coffers comes at a good time, as recent weak bond auctions have alighted fears of interest rates hikes.

The plan, which exchanges fresh cash for unused consumer cash, is just part of a multi-pronged strategy to get the economy moving. The rules for participating are complex but that has not dampened interest.

So far, over $1.4 billion has been distributed to participating citizens, with fully one half of that total going to the most economically stressed regions. Consumers, now flush with fresh cash, are expected to open their wallets and spend.

In addition, over 60,000 jobs have been created to administer the plan. About one fifth of those jobs will be necessary to handle the expected influx of tax activity.

Despite the success, some have expressed concerns over the $100 million difference between disbursements and revenues. But officials point out that this variance is much lower than other government programs.


Man Killed, Woman Hospitalized in Sexting Tragedy

Houston (PFM) – Police are investigating a sexting incident in northwest Houston, in which a man was killed and a woman was rushed to the hospital.

At 9:15pm, Houston police were called to a home on Ward Rd. near Woodfield. When they arrived, they found a man clutching his cell phone, who appeared to be in cardiac arrest. The 68 year old man later died at the scene.

An unclothed woman was found leaving the home through a window. She was in a state of panic, but did not otherwise appear to be injured.

The 22 year old woman initially declined treatment, but after being informed that the man’s phone would be held as evidence, she was rushed to Memorial Hermann Hospital for treatment of anxiety. She has remained clothed since that time.

At this point, police don’t know the circumstances surrounding the incident. But pictures have been circulated seeking leads from other officers throughout Houston and surrounding communities.


House Member Unapologetic For ‘Where the Chips?’ Remark

Washington (PFM) – Democrat Cass Mastern of Tennessee is under fire for recent comments he made at a House Ways and Means Committee hearing with the Network of Hispanic Health Professionals.

Network official Rafael de la Cruz had been invited to discuss his group’s concerns regarding the current $1.5 trillion health bill being considered. Mastern interrupted de la Cruz’s presentation, “I get what your saying, but I’ve got to ask, ‘Where the chips and salsa, señor?’”

When asked later to explain his remark, the Representative said he was merely pointing out that “the group is so focused on the meat of the plan, they’ve failed to consider the appetizers.”

He went on to explain that the bill designates nearly $1 million to fight obesity and diabetes within the Hispanic community.

Mastern, who has been inundated with questions all week, lashed out at reporters as he left his office today, “I don’t appreciate the implications. These questions are insulting to me and to the Hispanic community. I love Mexicans. Nobody can deny that.”

When reminded that de la Cruz is Cuban, Rep. Mastern replied, “Well, we don’t do too good with the Cuban vote anyway.”

Reports collected from the wire by Jake M. while in his boxer briefs

Old Timer Harassed By Hoodlums

Tells Traumatic Tale Of Teen Tormenters

Centerville (PFM): Old man Sykes, the cranky old fuck that lives down the street from Franklin High School, recounted a disquieting tale of torment at the hands of teenage ruffians on Wednesday.

According to Sykes, an 84 year old retiree and veteran of WWII, these hooligans are a menace worse than any Kraut bastard he ever faced down in battle.

As Sykes tells it, teenage trespassers have repeatedly used his lawn as a horse trail and pervert hangout.

Sykes confronted the gang of hoodlums Wednesday afternoon at about 4:45 pm, telling them in no uncertain terms, “You punks get off my lawn!”

But the teens were not to be deterred. Sykes recounts that his demand was met with jeers and obscene gestures. One troublemaking teen even grabbed his crotch like some kind of French hooker in heat. . . . Read on »

Obama: Elves Can’t Solve This Crisis

Washington (PFM): President Obama yesterday admitted that elves can’t solve our crisis.

“We can’t rely on elves to solve a crisis that Washington has failed to solve for decades,” Obama insisted before a Rose Garden ceremony.

“Change will not come if we wait for elves or some other benevolent beings from Middle Earth to change our fortunes. We are the change that we seek.”

Geithner: “I probably can’t help with this crisis either.”

In a speaking event held later in the day before the International Brotherhood of Grocers, Obama made clear that he has abandoned any hope of elfin help with this terrible crisis.

“When we think of our past, as a nation, as a people, the first thoughts to come to mind are disappointment and frustration. If we seek elfin support with each new crisis, we are merely pushing the problems out to our children.”

The President went on, “Let me remind the American people, the current crisis is not of my making. But I will take on this challenge without the help of elves.” . . . Read on »

Driver’s Education Offering Finds Captive Audience

Expert Offers Tips, Tricks, and Trivia

Sudbury Township (PFM): Kyle Hoatson, renowned driving expert, conducted an educational seminar Monday evening from 6:30 – 7:15 pm.

The unannounced event was conveniently presented from the passenger seat of Ryan Wilson’s 2003 Honda Civic. The instructional offering consolidated all of Hoatson’s greatest material from his driver’s coaching series into one program.

The training was held as a part of Wilson’s excursion to Sudbury Township to help Hoatson acquire a permanent source of transportation. “I guess it was just my lucky day,” Wilson said.

In addition to general help with directions, Hoatson’s lecture covered a wide range of topics including convenient shortcuts, gas saving habits that work, how to avoid tickets, and proper use of air conditioner controls.

Many advanced topics were also covered in detail:

  • Statistical analysis of lane choice options
  • Failures of traffic engineering
  • The physics of turning, and
  • Psychological profiling through identification of vehicle make/model/year

. . . Read on »

A & F To Deeply Penetrate Evolving Market With Name Change

New Albany (PFM Business Wire): Declaring that half naked teens and adolescent sexual appetites are no longer adequately stimulating sales, Ohio based retailer Abercrombie & Fitch (NYSE: ANF) has announced a change to the brand that has defined teen sexual independence for almost a decade.

The retailer will begin rebranding immediately with their new name, Abercrombie & Fuck.

A & F is responding to market research that suggests that the A & F name no longer conveys an urgent sense that buying their product will result in spontaneous teen orgies, consequence free sexual exploits, and non-stop girl on girl action.

“When naked teens writhing about like dogs in heat no longer sells product, it’s time to think outside the confines of conservatism and open our eyes to a new paradigm,” said Michael Jeffries, A & F Chief Executive Officer. . . . Read on »

Puppet Free Tees
Search Puppet Free Media:

p free products