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Shooting Tops Stabbing In Preference Poll

(PFM): As anyone who has ever been held captive at knife-point will tell you, stabbing is not the way you want to go.

A recent national telephone survey found that many people fear being stabbed more than they fear being shot. The poll was funded by The National Knife and Sword Council which seeks to better the image of cutting utensils among Americans.

64% of those surveyed cited death by terrorist attack as their favorite form of death.

Only 13% of American adults believe that being shot would be more horrendous than being stabbed. Many of those attribute their feelings to the assumption that they are more likely to die from bullet wounds than stab wounds – thus avoiding the excruciating pain from their wounds.

Nearly all of the respondents, even those that preferred it, were aghast at the prospect of feeling the steely cold metal of a sharp blade penetrating their tissues and organs.

When it comes to homicide, stabbing always comes out at the bottom of the list. A strike to the head with a hammer, strangling, being run over, even being thrown from a building or airplane were not enough to coax people to favor stabbing.

Only being held under water until the point of death seemed likely to overtake stabbing on the list of fears. About 24% of those asked ranked being drowned higher than being shot.
. . . Read on »

Grocery Store Averts Famine By Stocking More Food

Centerville (PFM): A famine may have been narrowly avoided by a weekend delivery of fresh fruits, condiments and cereal products to Sully’s Pantry, a local supermarket.

A source with intimate knowledge of store operations, who has requested anonymity, stated that an overnight blitz of store activity has greatly reduced the imminence of a widespread famine for at least a week.

Fear within the community has been pervasive after a rumor circulated claiming that Sully’s bread aisle was nearly empty. “The only white bread left was a smashed package of Mrs. Baird’s,” shopper CeeCee Aames reported.

Although specialty whole grain loaves and assorted rolls, buns and raisin bread were found in abundance, the scarcity of nature’s most necessary foodstuff, white bread, sent shockwaves through the community.

Aames further reported that the only Tater Tots to be found were “those nasty store brand ones that taste like greasy poop. And forget about the cottage cheese; it was that non-fat health food junk.”

Sully’s has taken steps that will reduce the likelihood of short-term food shortages. Check out lines have been slowed to a snail’s pace in an effort to discourage hording, while the deli continues to stock product long after its natural expiration date in order to ensure the cases remain full.

. . . Read on »

Pimp or Die, Mack or Cry

If you’ve been down on your luck, maybe looking for new opportunities, perhaps you should consider the outstanding opportunities available to you in the lucrative field of Pimpin’.

The following business plan was taken from one of the world’s great pimps (until he got busted).
Now the government is making it available to the public for the first time.
Let’s just say it’s part of the “Stimulus Package.” Another job created or saved.

Hat tip youthradio.org

Keep It Pimpin

Pimp or Die, Mack or Cry

TRANSCRIPT

Keep It Pimpin

More serious about my money and future…this pimpin like it’s a business (only except their best)
Take care my bitches more better

…Other ways to work my hoes (internet, int. feature dancers, int. stud)
Discover hoes from all over (jail house) Small cities nationwide got hoes that…to be discovered. Stay in high pursuit looking for a prostitute.

Don’t never get too comfortable or lazy in my position.

Maintain and campaign (everything I do or buy. Make sure it’s a campaign tool)
…My word is my bond (keep it pimpin!)

Attend the Players Ball in Vegas (cross country pimpin! Establish my name internationally)
Take my game to the next level (from the concrete streets, to the executive suites).

Pimp or Die, Mack or Cry (play to win and plan to the end)

Set up a international operation (have five hoes on every coast
…Every hoe take a vow to hoeing!

…first, ass last! If I’m gonna take a chance, then I’m gonna the hoes money in advance!
Put my city on the map and establish my own players…
Stack money to the ceiling (safety deposit box)

Cash cars (buy not good cash cars that way I will…have cars if something goes bad.)
Minimize my budget (cash cars, houses, etc.)
Keep a good photographer (Split Second Video/Kings Flea Market)

Get in touch with Big Al out of Florida

No Kebabs For Me, Thanks

funnyboyzNext time you’re at the Blackpool Promenade in Lancashire you might want to avoid Funny Boyz, cause it sounds like there ain’t nothing funny going on there (from the Daily Mail):

The prosecution in the 2007 trial alleged that Jordanian immigrant Mr Albattikhi, who owned Funny Boyz fast food shop in Blackpool, strangled the teenager after having sex with her.

Police started a murder inquiry when David Cassidy, a former friend of Mr Albattikhi, said the accused’s brother had told him the schoolgirl had been strangled and chopped up.

(I’m guessing they don’t mean the David Cassidy even though they, oddly, link to him in the story).

Or at least if you must eat at Funny Boyz, stick to the Jacket Potatoes and skip the Kebab.

. . . Read on »

These Are Not the Pigs You're Looking For

FoxNewsSwine
I gotta ask …

Was Fox News concerned that some readers won’t know a pig when they see one?

So they had to point out ‘similar to the one above’ … but not him. If you see this little piggy at the market, he’s safe. Feel free to give him a hug.

Or were they concerned that the pig pictured might sue for defamation?

Presumably, the pig’s friends or co-workers could see him in this article and think he’s got the H1N1. It could be very damaging to his career.

Whatever the case, I’ve fixed it.

Cat Found!

Found on the internet. Damn! That is one ugly cat.

CatFound(click the pic to zoom)

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