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December 2018
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Obama: Elves Can’t Solve This Crisis

Washington (PFM): President Obama yesterday admitted that elves can’t solve our crisis.

“We can’t rely on elves to solve a crisis that Washington has failed to solve for decades,” Obama insisted before a Rose Garden ceremony.

“Change will not come if we wait for elves or some other benevolent beings from Middle Earth to change our fortunes. We are the change that we seek.”

Geithner: “I probably can’t help with this crisis either.”

In a speaking event held later in the day before the International Brotherhood of Grocers, Obama made clear that he has abandoned any hope of elfin help with this terrible crisis.

“When we think of our past, as a nation, as a people, the first thoughts to come to mind are disappointment and frustration. If we seek elfin support with each new crisis, we are merely pushing the problems out to our children.”

The President went on, “Let me remind the American people, the current crisis is not of my making. But I will take on this challenge without the help of elves.”

The President concluded his remarks with a verse from Shakespeare. “The time is out of joint. O cursed spite that ever I was born to set it right!”

Driving some of the President’s decision-making is the fact that he has not yet apologized to the Elven-folk for the part America played in diminishing their numbers.

A White House source who spoke on condition of anonymity said that Mr. Obama also holds out little hope that gnomes, trolls, or hobbits can solve this crisis.

Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner has been insistent throughout the crisis that despite his appearance, he is not an elf. Although he admitted, “I probably can’t help with this crisis either.”

Reported by Jake M from the PFM White House desk

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