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February 2019
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Bob Hope Returns From Grave To Entertain Troops

Hope teams with Jon Stewart to entertain USS Ronald Reagan

Aboard USS Reagan, At Sea (PFM): Gen. David Petraeus, commander of U.S. Central Command, emceed an entertainment spectacular this weekend aboard the USS Ronald Reagan (CVN 76).

Beloved 20th century comedian and vaudevillian Bob Hope was resurrected for the USO event that included a rare stand-up performance by Jon Stewart and a short burlesque dance routine by a scantily clad USFL cheerleading squad.

“Some of these sailors, and the soldiers in Afghanistan and Iraq, have been hearing the same things for nearly 8 years,” said Gen. Petraeus. “This show will remind them that persistence, fortitude, holding a strong and steady course, these things can keep you going even when hope seems gone. We have to keep hope alive. No pun intended.”

… Madonna’s love affair with a dildo enchanted the nation in 1992 …

More than 2,300 sailors surrounded the stage, sat atop aircraft, or watched from “vulture’s row” six floors above the carrier’s flight deck to get a glimpse of the spirit-rousing show.

Hope, who hasn’t performed live material for nearly a decade, regaled the sailors with a seemingly endless supply of Boy George jokes.

“Yeah, I didn’t know Boy George was that big of a deal,” said Lt. Keisha Hayes of Reagan’s reactor division. “But that funny old ghost just kept on and on. Like he was possessed or something. It was a sight to see.”

After about 30 minutes of side-splitting Boy George hilarity, Hope handed the stage over to Stewart with one last poke at the former Culture Club pop-star, “Yeah Jon, I hear when they built Boy George they used you for a blueprint.”

Stewart, renowned for his pointed sarcasm and clever observations, was left speechless. “What can I say? You’re a dead guy. This is so effing incredible!”

He quickly picked it back up though with a series of one-liners and zingers aimed at former President George Bush.

Stewart, whose fixation with Bush is an obsession unmatched since Madonna’s love affair with a dildo enchanted the nation in 1992, attempted only one Boy George quip. But after the joke fell flat, he quickly returned to the Bush-driven material more familiar to him.

The comedian used a recent Obama ice-cream outing as a comedic platform to launch into a 3 minute jag about Dick Cheney eating melted ice cream with Satan in Hell.

“That Stewart guy, he’s like the Energizer Bunny. He just keeps going and going,” said Aviation Boatswain’s Mate Handler 3rd Class (AW) Bobby McIlhenny. “I thought he was losing steam when he started in with an Obama joke, but then he turned it right back around and went after Bush’s people again.”

Midway through his set, Stewart gave the stage over to the USFL cheerleaders for a risqué dance number performed to a soundtrack of 1985’s “Super Bowl Shuffle.” The cheer squad, now consisting mostly of women in their late 50’s, has continued to tour the nation relentlessly despite the dissolution of the USFL in 1985.

After the dance, Stewart retook the stage with an exaggerated cowboy walk lampooning the former President and immediately dove into a story about a galley milk spill he had just witnessed.

The apparently improvised narration came to a riotous crescendo when Stewart, doing his popular Charlton Heston impersonation, fell to his knees, pounded the stage with his fists, and screamed to the sky, “He finally really did it! George Bush spilled my milk! Damn you! God damn you to hell!”

Hope, Petraeus, and the cheerleaders then joined Stewart on stage to close the show with a haunting rendition of Hope’s trademark “Thanks For the Memories.” The crowd was left in stitches and tears.

Hope and Stewart pledged to work together again soon, promising a tour next summer dubbed “The Boy George Bush Tour.”

After the show, Hope returned to the Ever-After taking his Boy George jokes with him.

Stewart vowed to keep plugging away at what works best. “I wanted see if there’s still an audience for Bush jokes,” he explained. “I have two words: Mission Accomplished!”

Reported by Jake M, embedded with the U.S. Navy in support of Operation Southern Watch

Story Note: Rod Garcia, the USS Reagan’s Galley Supervisor, has asked us to clarify for the benefit of his commanding officer, “There was no spilled milk in this galley that day. And that’s a fact, sir. George Bush was not in my galley”

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