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February 2019
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Heavily Marketed Action Pic Expected To Do Well

Hollywood (PFM):

That movie you wanted to see opened this weekend to rave reviews and long lines.

The intelligent, intense non-stop thrill ride, starring that arrogant asshole that can’t keep his fucking dick in his pants when it comes to other men’s wives, is expected to make over $100 million this weekend.

Dressed in attire worn by the trilogy’s most recognizable characters, fans of all ages lined up early. Some theaters reported seeing costume clad losers gathering outside their doors as early as Wednesday.

This movie is so huge they’ll have to wipe the theater seats after every showing thanks to fans pissing themselves in excitement.

Earnings for this work of genius will be big. The cast and director have endlessly sucked up airtime on every network. Entertainment news shows have fawned over the leading lady’s clothing, hair and sexual history. And who doesn’t envy the leading man as he bangs his way through Hollywood?

The handsome and charismatic male lead is box office gold thanks to a string of incredibly fortuitous role choices. Playing beloved comic-book heroes, sympathetic villains, and his tear-jerking performance as a cancer stricken boxer that lives just long enough to win the world heavyweight title, the actor has never shied away roles that can be inflated by marketing, hype, and manufactured controversy.

The director, whose most recent effort behind the camera was an absolute train-wreck, is expected to have his biggest opening of all time thanks to suckers like you that enjoy this kind of thing. It’s especially good for him that this flick targets fans who are too young to remember his racist rant in 1985 that targeted Asians and Native Americans.

Of course, no one can stop talking about the blossoming off-screen romance between the leading man and leading lady. Is she pregnant? Can he finally settle down? Will her heart-broken husband divorce her or kill himself? Who cares. This movie is so huge they’ll have to wipe the theater seats after every showing thanks to fans pissing themselves in excitement.

It seems as if by divine providence that this hero of the silver screen discovered the love of his life while filming this latest venture. One would have thought his loins could be satisfied banging the beautiful co-star from his last marketing masterpiece.

Movie-goers have ranked this film’s opening as second only to the life of Christ in the long list of historical events requiring celebration. Nothing could have stopped you from seeing this film … except of course that old shrew you call a girlfriend.

Even though the ball-buster knows you love shit like this, and you’ve literally spoken about nothing else all week, she read a review about some miserable-assed thing where two lonely old ladies take off on a cross-country journey of “self-exploration” and “empowerment.” And boy, she just had to see that boring piece of melodramatic pap.

At least the sappy cry-fest, that hasn’t generated even $6 million in the 3 weeks since its release, was offering coupons for some feminine deodorant product with each ticket purchased. Your clean fresh scent will speak volumes about your movie choices.

Thank God you finally got to see the million dollar blockbuster on Sunday while the love of your life went shopping with her highly fuckable sister.

This box office blowout is likely to do even better than last weekend’s record breaker. But it might be hard to determine as no one can remember that movie.

This report is a PFM editorial composite of the film’s press releases, publicity meet n’ greets, and DSM profiles

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