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June 2011
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Humidity Makes McDeke a Hot Commodity

HumidityHollywood (PFM): Director Butler McDeke is no favorite of critics. But “BM,” as he’s called on set, is no fan of critics either.

His latest directorial effort, “Humidity: Nights of Terror,” is set to release this weekend. Starring Tig Fiels, Brittnee Anzgt, and buff bad-boy Van Paynze, the film is the last installment in the “Water Particles Trilogy.”

Reviewers have ridiculed the new sequel about lurking moisture-borne particulates as nothing more than a series of crowd-pleasing explosions and gratuitous oozing flesh scenes.

A sequel to the Christmas 2007 smash “Sleet” and 2005’s “Steam”, the film once again follows the exploits of forensic microbiologist Ax Broady (Fiels) and his feisty love-interest, meteorologist Angel Tiegstrom (Anzgt).

Some detractors and hard-core fans are bothered by the return of the Angel character to the trilogy. In “Steam,” Angel died in a shocking and controversial scene that had her skin boiled off.

“Her return makes sense in the story,” McDeke says. “The complainers need to see the movie before they complain. And then they can f— off.”

[warning: spoiler alert] LA Times critic Klaus Mahler is skeptical, “‘Steam’ was more than a BM, it was a steamer. ‘Sleet’ made me want to ‘sleet’ my throat. And now we’ve got this sweat-drenched cacophony of talking funguses from outer-space and a bizarre conspiracy involving Neptune, the Roman god of water. I can’t wait.”

Despite the critical opposition, fans are bursting with excitement. “When it’s a BM, you’ve got to go, baby,” exclaimed Van Paynze, who was an avid McDeke enthusiast long before he was picked for this film.
. . . Read on »

The Terrifying Truth About Trash, Toilets And More

According to germ experts, your toilet may actually be much dirtier than it looks.

Scientists at the University of Colorado have released the results of a multi-million dollar study that proves bacteria flourish in places most people would never imagine. The list includes six surprising, germ-breeding spots that might make you run for the doors.

Toilets, no place for a drink
That glistening toilet could be filled to the brim with the finest sparkling champagne, but germs have no concept of quality. From the lowliest hovel to the grandest mansion, toilets are disgusting wherever you go.

“A fly mixed into your mayo would get you sick almost every time.”

So don’t even think of taking a sip. “No matter how nice the bathroom looks, there are 3 million microbes per inch in a toilet,” said Blake Hsu, PhD, a professor of microbiology at UC Boulder.

That’s trash, not treasure
And if you were thinking of eating your next meal from the garbage, forget about it. Trash cans, packed with stale food, mucous-filled tissues, and remnants of last night’s love-making session may seem clean. But beware.

Those discarded leftovers are dirtier than they look. The population of microbes in a kitchen trash receptacle might not be as high as a toilet, but the variety is staggering. The combination of proteins, fatty acids, fermentation, and warm moisture are like a buffet for microorganisms.

A dumpster lunch might be just what the doctor ordered.

Pet pellets are not playthings
As much as they love their pet, many cat owners would be surprised to learn the litter box is not a place to let the kids play. Toxoplasmosis parasites are not the kind of playmates you want your child making friends with.

But don’t laugh dog owners. It probably isn’t a good idea to wrap your lunch in used doggy duty bags either. A gram of dog feces is crawling with 20 million E. coli cells. So go ahead and spring for a Ziploc sandwich bag. Those extra pennies may just save your life. . . . Read on »

Starbucks “Taking It To The Streets”

Recession’s Victims: Underemployed Geniuses Struggle To Be Heard

This story from Jake M is part of an ongoing PFM series on the emotional toll underemployment has taken on our recession stricken workforce

By Jake M

Ava Campos readies herself before a full size mirror in her bedroom. At 5:00 a.m. she is not sure if she can handle the day.

“I’m too good for this,” Ava reminds herself. “God I hate stupid people.”

Miss Campos is part of a new pilot program coffee retailing giant Starbucks dubs “Educating the Masses.”

Just after 6 a.m. Campos, 24, takes her place on the sidewalk in the Financial District of Manhattan. She has already worked two days this week. Exhausted, she jokes with a co-worker, “Look at those losers coming out of Dunkin’ Donuts. They don’t even know what a Macchiato is. I bet they didn’t even finish high school.”

Ava was promoted 2 weeks ago from her Barista position at the Cortlandt St. Starbucks where she now stands on the street corner peppering passersby with condescending quips and none too subtle allusions to her Ivy League education.

“Some people call it passive aggression, but I like to call it aggressive passion.”

As the recession has worsened, Starbucks sales have suffered. But Starbucks employees like Campos are front and center in the battle to correct potential customers; or as Ava says, “Fixing stupid.”

Condescension and arrogance are only some of the customer service tools Starbucks has used to build up their brand. But with dwindling business inside, Starbucks has decided to take the fight outside.

Starbucks management believes the primary cause of their dwindling coffee sales is the ignorance of customers who don’t know how to order correctly and are too embarrassed to come in. The “Educating the Masses” program seeks to remedy that.

As CEO Howard Schultz puts it, “If you can’t order properly, you’re going to end up with the wrong drink. Or worse, the help behind the counter will ignore the order entirely. That’s bound to drive away customers.” . . . Read on »

Heavily Marketed Action Pic Expected To Do Well

Hollywood (PFM):

That movie you wanted to see opened this weekend to rave reviews and long lines.

The intelligent, intense non-stop thrill ride, starring that arrogant asshole that can’t keep his fucking dick in his pants when it comes to other men’s wives, is expected to make over $100 million this weekend.

Dressed in attire worn by the trilogy’s most recognizable characters, fans of all ages lined up early. Some theaters reported seeing costume clad losers gathering outside their doors as early as Wednesday.

This movie is so huge they’ll have to wipe the theater seats after every showing thanks to fans pissing themselves in excitement.

Earnings for this work of genius will be big. The cast and director have endlessly sucked up airtime on every network. Entertainment news shows have fawned over the leading lady’s clothing, hair and sexual history. And who doesn’t envy the leading man as he bangs his way through Hollywood?

The handsome and charismatic male lead is box office gold thanks to a string of incredibly fortuitous role choices. Playing beloved comic-book heroes, sympathetic villains, and his tear-jerking performance as a cancer stricken boxer that lives just long enough to win the world heavyweight title, the actor has never shied away roles that can be inflated by marketing, hype, and manufactured controversy. . . . Read on »

Obama Adds Mystery To Interrogation Team

MysteryWashington (PFM): Erik von Markovik starts a new job Monday as associate director in the National Security Council’s revamped terrorism interrogation division, focused on devising new techniques for extracting information from the most recalcitrant suspects.

Markovik, whose stage name is Mystery, is a preeminent expert within the seduction community and touts himself as “the world’s greatest pick-up artist.” He is most known for his Mystery Method seduction seminars and the VH1 reality series “The Pick-up Artist.”

Using showmanship to “seduce” confessions from uncooperative targets is not a new idea as anyone who has watched television crime dramas can attest. But the implementation of this form of seduction in this venue is a novel strategy.

The Neg: “That car bomb was a pretty effective killing machine … for an amateur.”

“I promised a new direction from the last eight years,” Obama reminded a gathering of reporters before boarding Marine One on Tuesday, “The Mystery Method: attraction, comfort and seduction … these are techniques, I’m sure, that will better protect America without alienating us in the world.”

Mystery’s contribution to the team will be primarily as an advisor. His methods, although not previously tested on terrorists, are expected to include such techniques as ‘peacocking,’ and ‘negging.’
. . . Read on »

!----- BREAKING NEWS -----!

Boy Fingered in Smelting Incident

Centerville (PFM): The source of an exceptionally heinous attack on the olfactory senses a few moments ago has been uncovered.

Other boys who witnessed the event used sound logic, a keen sense of smell, and reliance on the ages old adage of “he who smelt it dealt it,” to identify the perpetrator of the malodorous emanation as none other than Ethan Gholston, age 11, of 358 Main St. in Centerville.

The culprit was fingered by nearly every witness to the crime. Only Ethan’s younger brother Josh remained silent while the offense was being recounted. Investigators believe Josh may be protecting his older sibling.

Within moments of the identification, Ethan was met with swift justice. Quickly convicted under rules of time honored tradition, Ethan was punished with 2 minutes of taunts, insults, and detailed scrutiny of Ethan’s eating habits. The jokes and laughing are to be followed by a 10 minute ostracism.

Ethan will remain on a list of odiferous offenders for the foreseeable future. This will ensure that his friends, relatives, and a particular girl are made aware of the incident.

Ethan will be the first suspect in any future episodes. Investigators are currently sifting through memories of past incidents to ascertain Ethan’s whereabouts at the time.

This is a breaking news exclusive from PFM reporter Jake M

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