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April 2011
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Grocery Store Averts Famine By Stocking More Food

Centerville (PFM): A famine may have been narrowly avoided by a weekend delivery of fresh fruits, condiments and cereal products to Sully’s Pantry, a local supermarket.

A source with intimate knowledge of store operations, who has requested anonymity, stated that an overnight blitz of store activity has greatly reduced the imminence of a widespread famine for at least a week.

Fear within the community has been pervasive after a rumor circulated claiming that Sully’s bread aisle was nearly empty. “The only white bread left was a smashed package of Mrs. Baird’s,” shopper CeeCee Aames reported.

Although specialty whole grain loaves and assorted rolls, buns and raisin bread were found in abundance, the scarcity of nature’s most necessary foodstuff, white bread, sent shockwaves through the community.

Aames further reported that the only Tater Tots to be found were “those nasty store brand ones that taste like greasy poop. And forget about the cottage cheese; it was that non-fat health food junk.”

Sully’s has taken steps that will reduce the likelihood of short-term food shortages. Check out lines have been slowed to a snail’s pace in an effort to discourage hording, while the deli continues to stock product long after its natural expiration date in order to ensure the cases remain full.

. . . Read on »

Old Timer Harassed By Hoodlums

Tells Traumatic Tale Of Teen Tormenters

Centerville (PFM): Old man Sykes, the cranky old fuck that lives down the street from Franklin High School, recounted a disquieting tale of torment at the hands of teenage ruffians on Wednesday.

According to Sykes, an 84 year old retiree and veteran of WWII, these hooligans are a menace worse than any Kraut bastard he ever faced down in battle.

As Sykes tells it, teenage trespassers have repeatedly used his lawn as a horse trail and pervert hangout.

Sykes confronted the gang of hoodlums Wednesday afternoon at about 4:45 pm, telling them in no uncertain terms, “You punks get off my lawn!”

But the teens were not to be deterred. Sykes recounts that his demand was met with jeers and obscene gestures. One troublemaking teen even grabbed his crotch like some kind of French hooker in heat. . . . Read on »

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