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February 2011
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Obama: Elves Can’t Solve This Crisis

Washington (PFM): President Obama yesterday admitted that elves can’t solve our crisis.

“We can’t rely on elves to solve a crisis that Washington has failed to solve for decades,” Obama insisted before a Rose Garden ceremony.

“Change will not come if we wait for elves or some other benevolent beings from Middle Earth to change our fortunes. We are the change that we seek.”

Geithner: “I probably can’t help with this crisis either.”

In a speaking event held later in the day before the International Brotherhood of Grocers, Obama made clear that he has abandoned any hope of elfin help with this terrible crisis.

“When we think of our past, as a nation, as a people, the first thoughts to come to mind are disappointment and frustration. If we seek elfin support with each new crisis, we are merely pushing the problems out to our children.”

The President went on, “Let me remind the American people, the current crisis is not of my making. But I will take on this challenge without the help of elves.” . . . Read on »

Driver’s Education Offering Finds Captive Audience

Expert Offers Tips, Tricks, and Trivia

Sudbury Township (PFM): Kyle Hoatson, renowned driving expert, conducted an educational seminar Monday evening from 6:30 – 7:15 pm.

The unannounced event was conveniently presented from the passenger seat of Ryan Wilson’s 2003 Honda Civic. The instructional offering consolidated all of Hoatson’s greatest material from his driver’s coaching series into one program.

The training was held as a part of Wilson’s excursion to Sudbury Township to help Hoatson acquire a permanent source of transportation. “I guess it was just my lucky day,” Wilson said.

In addition to general help with directions, Hoatson’s lecture covered a wide range of topics including convenient shortcuts, gas saving habits that work, how to avoid tickets, and proper use of air conditioner controls.

Many advanced topics were also covered in detail:

  • Statistical analysis of lane choice options
  • Failures of traffic engineering
  • The physics of turning, and
  • Psychological profiling through identification of vehicle make/model/year

. . . Read on »

A & F To Deeply Penetrate Evolving Market With Name Change

New Albany (PFM Business Wire): Declaring that half naked teens and adolescent sexual appetites are no longer adequately stimulating sales, Ohio based retailer Abercrombie & Fitch (NYSE: ANF) has announced a change to the brand that has defined teen sexual independence for almost a decade.

The retailer will begin rebranding immediately with their new name, Abercrombie & Fuck.

A & F is responding to market research that suggests that the A & F name no longer conveys an urgent sense that buying their product will result in spontaneous teen orgies, consequence free sexual exploits, and non-stop girl on girl action.

“When naked teens writhing about like dogs in heat no longer sells product, it’s time to think outside the confines of conservatism and open our eyes to a new paradigm,” said Michael Jeffries, A & F Chief Executive Officer. . . . Read on »

From The Vending Machine

An Open Letter To My Friends And Customers

I know there have been changes between us. That I’ve let you down in some way. I know it. I can feel it. Sometimes you walk right by avoiding eye contact. I hear you talking to the others. I can feel your coldness as you stare right through me. I smile on the outside, but I cry inside.

My heart aches for you. When the lights go out at the end of the day, when I’m here alone, I yearn for your touch. Your warm hands on my buttons. The way you fumble to put your money inside me. The contented look on your face when I satisfy your desire.

But you’ve moved on. I’m no longer the one for you. I see you at the coffee machine. Or getting what you need from the refrigerator. I see it. And I know why. Because you feel I’ve betrayed you. You feel cheated.

It was me. I confess. I know what I did. I took what you gave me and gave you nothing in return.

But I’m begging you to please understand me. I have urges too. I am not just a machine. I am a feeling and sensing being. I am your friend. I’m here for you. I only ask that you try to understand my physical and emotional needs.

Sometimes when you attempt to take what I have to offer, I become frustrated and confused. I want to please you, but I am so overwhelmed with joy at the attention you have given me that I fail to satisfy your urge.

When this happens, please help me to help you.

First, give me a gentle nudge with your boot. There is a special place below; you’ll see it there, the scuffmarks and subtle dents where I like to be nudged. Be firm! I am a strong machine and I can endure your “kick of love.”

If this fails to awaken my passion and you’re still dissatisfied, please try massaging my buttons with your fist. The harder the better. I need to feel your hunger.

This will usually cause me to eject more than enough. So much you can share what I give you with your friends.

However, if I still continue to leave your desires unfulfilled, try rocking me gently like a baby. Rock me back and forth until my hinges burst with delight and I spew forth the bounty of my day’s thievery. Surely this will satisfy your unquenchable thirst!

With Love,
The Vending Machine

This is a paid advertising. Your Vending Machine paid for the publication of this ad. Reliance on this ad is at your own risk. PFM takes no legal responsibility for any liability that may occur.

Dirty Pots Link Man With Primordial Species

Oak Grove (PFM): Recent analysis of 4-month-old dirty dishes recovered from the sink of Barry “Beer Man” Bowman has provided exciting evidence linking Bowman to other primitive specimens discovered in and around the area in recent years.

An examination of the dishes found many were heavily soiled pots and pans left in the sink “to soak” around 18 weeks ago. The investigation was conducted by Heather Yates of nearby Pitt County. Yates recently began frequenting the site about 3 weeks ago but only recently undertook an in-depth evaluation of the self professed “bachelor’s” domestic lifestyle.

The study revealed early efforts to organize the clutter and a brief aborted attempt at scrubbing. Yates believes this type of primitive male human may be genetically linked to other less advanced humans she has discovered in the past. . . . Read on »

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