Centerville, July 27 (PFM): A famine may have been narrowly avoided by a weekend delivery of fresh fruits, condiments and cereal products to Sully’s Pantry, a local supermarket.
A source with intimate knowledge of store operations, who has requested anonymity, stated that an overnight blitz of store activity has greatly reduced the imminence of a widespread famine for at least a week.
Fear within the community has been pervasive after a rumor circulated claiming that Sully’s bread aisle was nearly empty. “The only white bread left was a smashed package of Mrs. Baird’s,” shopper CeeCee Aames reported.
Although specialty whole grain loaves and assorted rolls, buns and raisin bread were found in abundance, the scarcity of nature’s most necessary foodstuff, white bread, sent shockwaves through the community.
Aames further reported that the only Tater Tots to be found were “those nasty store brand ones that taste like greasy poop. And forget about the cottage cheese; it was that non-fat health food junk.”
Sully’s has taken steps that will reduce the likelihood of short-term food shortages. Check out lines have been slowed to a snail’s pace in an effort to discourage hording, while the deli continues to stock product long after its natural expiration date in order to ensure the cases remain full.
…
Store personnel have been mum about the possibility of impending doom. Repeated calls to Sully’s management went unreturned. Cashiers have apparently been instructed not to acknowledge the crisis.
America has never before faced true famine. Famine is defined as widespread scarcity of food resulting in starvation and increased mortality. Most people, however, have reported the experience of “being so hungry I nearly died.” This near death experience is usually seen with young people or small groups of famished co-workers. Rarely is it seen striking entire communities.
A call to the local food bank to inquire about famine preparations was met with frustration. “Famine isn’t funny, there are really people starving in the world,” said Leslie Peters, with The Lighted Way Food Bank. Apparently emergency preparedness is ongoing, as the call was cut short by a need to “get back to work.”
Despite the recent lack of nutritious foodstuff at Sully’s Pantry, the store apparently has no problem stocking inedible crap like Cheez Whiz® and generic shrimp cocktail sauce.
Reported by Jake M. working in the field
