Centerville, Sept. 4 (PFM): 7th grade boys at Centerville Middle School were welcomed back to a new year Monday by an ebullient Coach Jim Carter.

Carter, who has instructed P.E. at the school for nearly 30 years, greeted the incoming bunch of chuckleheads with a full array of euphemisms and G-rated epithets.

He opened his monologue with a timeless classic, “Gather around ladies. Listen up!” Recollections of the oration differ, but all the boys recall that the coach was very funny. The boys’ laughter seemed to animate the coach tremendously.

Throughout the discourse Carter had to remind the youngsters to “stop giggling like little school-girls, you pansies.” Invariably, these jocular appeals would lead to more snickering. In one instance, the coach warned a couple of loudmouths, “I don’t wanta have to crack heads. But I will.”

Carter was not able to find any takers for the knuckle sandwich he freely offered. Nevertheless, he continued to present it to anyone he felt had the potential to become a smart aleck.

One boy mumbled “Yes sir” repeatedly toward the beginning of Carter’s speech. The coach asked the boy if he liked dodge ball. “Yes sir,” the boy answered. “Well, you won’t by the end of the year,” Carter shot back. The boy stayed silent from then on.

Locker room etiquette was reviewed. The courtesy flush was discussed. The importance of jock straps was covered with vague explanation. And a reminder was given that “your momma isn’t allowed in here, so keep your own frigging locker clean.”
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