This article was originally run on Jul 12, 2009

Hollywood, July 12 (PFM):

That movie you wanted to see opened this weekend to rave reviews and long lines.

The intelligent, intense non-stop thrill ride, starring that arrogant asshole that can’t keep his fucking dick in his pants when it comes to other men’s wives, is expected to make over $100 million this weekend.

Dressed in attire worn by the trilogy’s most recognizable characters, fans of all ages lined up early. Some theaters reported seeing costume clad losers gathering outside their doors as early as Wednesday.

Earnings for this work of genius will be big. The cast and director have endlessly sucked up airtime on every network. Entertainment news shows have fawned over the leading lady’s clothing, hair and sexual history. And who doesn’t envy the leading man as he bangs his way through Hollywood?

The handsome and charismatic male lead is box office gold thanks to a string of incredibly fortuitous role choices. Playing beloved comic-book heroes, sympathetic villains, and his tear-jerking performance as a cancer stricken boxer that lives just long enough to win the world heavyweight title, the actor has never shied away roles that can be inflated by marketing, hype, and manufactured controversy. . . . Read on »

This article was originally run on Jul 9, 2009

Tells Traumatic Tale Of Teen Tormenters

Centerville, July 9 (PFM): Old man Sykes, the cranky old fuck that lives down the street from Franklin High School, recounted a disquieting tale of torment at the hands of teenage ruffians on Wednesday.

According to Sykes, an 84 year old retiree and veteran of WWII, these hooligans are a menace worse than any Kraut bastard he ever faced down in battle.

As Sykes tells it, teenage trespassers have repeatedly used his lawn as a horse trail and pervert hangout.

Sykes confronted the gang of hoodlums Wednesday afternoon at about 4:45 pm, telling them in no uncertain terms, “You punks get off my lawn!”

But the teens were not to be deterred. Sykes recounts that his demand was met with jeers and obscene gestures. One troublemaking teen even grabbed his crotch like some kind of French hooker in heat. . . . Read on »

This article was originally run on Jul 7, 2009

Oak Grove, July 7 (PFM): Recent analysis of 4-month-old dirty dishes recovered from the sink of Barry “Beer Man” Bowman has provided exciting evidence linking Bowman to other primitive specimens discovered in and around the area in recent years.

An examination of the dishes found many were heavily soiled pots and pans left in the sink “to soak” around 18 weeks ago. The investigation was conducted by Heather Yates of nearby Pitt County. Yates recently began frequenting the site about 3 weeks ago but only recently undertook an in-depth evaluation of the self professed “bachelor’s” domestic lifestyle.

The study revealed early efforts to organize the clutter and a brief aborted attempt at scrubbing. Yates believes this type of primitive male human may be genetically linked to other less advanced humans she has discovered in the past. . . . Read on »